I’ve always had a twisted sense of humor, but a person’s gotta make a living, so I’ve been able to suppress that side for the most part. Just today I found evidence that I’ve matured immensely through the years. It’s a lifestyle magazine parody I wrote about cophraphaliacs- people who eat shit- call GRIN. These folks believed in “the holy cycle,” that eating food that passed through you made you more complete. Since I couldn’t spell cophraphaliacs and didn’t want to look it up, I referred to these principled shit eaters as “cyclists.” This was written back in the ’80s before Lance Armstrong took steroids, so he wasn’t famous yet and therefore not even a cover consideration.
My idea for a cover was a takeoff on High Times’ gorgeous buds, with beautifully photographed stool and the headline “Bumper Crop.” Either that or a profile of Scatman Crothers.
Some of the story highlights: On the set of the new Frank Copra film “They Let Horses Eat Shit, Don’t They,” a health column called “Eat Shit and Live!”, a music chart called “The Shit Parade,” with such hot trax as “My Number 2 is Number 1″ by Gruntmaster Hash, “Hey Little Tapeworm” by the Porcelain Teens and “Tunnel of Love” by Bruce Springsteen.
I had ads, too. A spice rack for laxatives. A t-shirt that says “Shit Happens” on the front and “To Taste Good” on the back.And a drink maker called Mr. Pottee that works like a Mr. Coffee, with a big difference.
My favorite part was the restaurant guide for Austin stool cyclists. Here it is:
If you’re a glutton for excrement like I am, you’re probably aware that there are several establishments out there that prove one man’s discharge is another man’s delicacy.Many of these shitteries have fallen on hard times as it seems more and more of you are brown-bagging it for lunch.
**** First class colon cargo
*** A nice sit-down dinner
** Even Divine wouldn’t eat here
* Be advised to use your own excretion
Casa De Caca *** Pepe’s caca is numero uno.
Fudgeruckers **** Heinieburgers to kill for.
Yu Chomp Dung *** Ask for the poopoo platter.
Petland ** How much is that dog doo in the window?
Crack Full of Nuts *** It’ll do in a pinch.
Passage To Porcelain Indian Buffet *** The Tim Curry stew is awesome.
Hole Foods-**** Roughage rules!
Other restaurants: The Waste Basket, Buttcracker Barrel, TGI Feces, Taco Bowel, Katz’s Deli, Squataburger, Endzo’s, Turdy’s Southern Star, Famous Anus Chocolate Chips, The Stool and Ale, Toilet Chili’s, Pass the Butt Biscuits, Please