Indiana Pacers center Roy Hibbert was recently fined $75,000 for using the ghetto slang term “no homo,” which is what hip-hop fans say when words come out of their mouths that make them sound gay, like “LeBron stretched me out.” It’s the “That’s what she said” for guys who secretly want to give Michael Jordan a tug- or 12 dozen. (Gross!)
If Hibbert, who is of Jamaican ancestry, had only followed the NBA guidebook on accepted slang, it woulda been no big ting, mon. Toots would’ve known that instead of saying “no homo” for 75K he could’ve said “indifferent about Madonna” for free. Here are some other suggested substitutions that will keep NBA players from blowing their money on fines instead of fine strippers.
1. Instead of using the term “my ace boon coon,” the NBA would prefer players call their podnas their assistants.
2. Instead of “baby mama” please use “fiancee.”
3. Instead of “peckerwood” to describe a white person, the NBA would prefer “a jerry” in reference to “Seinfeld,” a show that they all love for some reason. If whitey displays racist tendencies, call him “a kramer.”
4. Please stop saying “tiggo biddies.” Use “Islands In the Stream” if you must describe a woman’s big chest. Chief Stern will get the Dolly ref, but ain’t a thing he can do about it.
5. Instead of using “balls deep” to describe a commitment to the team, please use “focus.” In fact, use “focus” as much as possible.
6. And please stop referring to Lindsay Czarniak of ESPN as a “dime-piece.” She’s a 9, tops.
7. Let’s talk about a women’s posterior for a moment. Instead of “badunkadunk” or the repulsive “toilet,” the Stern enforcers prefer you call it an “onion.” That’s what Earvin used to call it. Good rule of thumb: “What Would Magic Say?”
8. Finally, instead of “fucktard” please call him by his name. Joey Crawford. Or if you’re from the Sacramento area you could say Dick Bavetta.