Friday, May 17, 2024

Country Music’s Year of the One-liner

I got the gig of country music critic for the Dallas Morning News in 1992 with some thoughtful pieces on artists like Roseanne Cash, Lyle Lovett and k.d. lang, but since Dallas was the #1 market for country music during that Garth Boom, I had to cover all the mainstream acts. I was not always a nice man. Here are some of my favorite lines from concert reviews:

Alabama: “Much of their set was easy listening with a Southern accent; call it grain elevator music.”

Alan Jackson: His lack of showmanship stood out like a billy club in a floral arrangement.”

Brooks & Dunn: “Loggins and Oates.”

Garth Brooks: “If he was just some guy at a party, sitting on a couch and playing his songs, you wouldn’t think, “Man, one day this guy’s gonna knock Michael Jackson out of No. 1′; instead, you’d think, “I wonder if he knows Fire and Rain?'”

Mary-Chapin Carpenter: “Mary-Blatant Carpetbagger.”

John Conlee: “His six years as a mortician prepared him for his reception at Farm Aid V.’

Billy Ray Cyrus: “Looks like Mel Gibson with a ferret crawling up his neck.”

Pre-Natalie Dixie Chicks: “Eternally smiling in their Frederick’s of Cheyenne outfits, the Chicks tested positive for Branson.”

Ronna Reeves: “Look out! The homecoming queen’s got a mike!’”

Little Texas: “This band resembles the men’s room line at a Toto concert.”

Country Music For Kids: “So many country albums these days sound like they were made for a six-year-old mentality, but Walt Disney Records has just released the first official one.”

Travis Tritt’s movie debut: “Evidently went to the Kenny Rogers School of Acting: ‘Just squint when they tell you something.’”

Diamond Rio: “All that goofy running around the stage made me want to torch the house of the person who invented cordless instruments.”

Eddie Rabbitt: “They shoot horses, don’t they?”

Marty Stuart: Who knew Eddie Munster would grow up to have such chops?


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