Wednesday, May 22, 2024

Hornucopia game-wraps 2012

2012 Season Preview  “I propose Harsin and running back coach Major Applewhite devise some ground schemes with all three RBs in the backfield and Ash at the point. Call it “Wishbone Ash.”

9/1 Texas 37, Wyoming 17  “The play of the game was Kenny Vaccaro’s full-stride interception in the second half, with Wyoming leading 9-7 and headed into Texas territory again.”

9/8 Texas 45, New Mexico 0  “In 2015 and 2016, Texas opens the season against Notre Dame, but until then the idea is to keep spending more money on cupcakes than the governor of New Jersey. Remember, this is a regime that canceled an opener against Hawaii a few years back because it was afraid of an upset. Talk about your tiny bubbles.”

9/15 Texas 66, Ole Miss 31  “D.J. Monroe had a spectacular rushing TD for the third game in a row and Joe Bergeron was well on his way to 100 plus before he left with a shoulder injury that needs the upcoming bye week like Chris Brown’s neck needs laser surgery.”

9/29 Texas 41, Oklahoma State 36  “A sophomore from Belton, David Ash could be Bell County’s greatest gift to Austin since Spoon. Ash made the reads, made the throws and basically grew before our eyes, like Tootie from “Facts of Life.”

10/6 West Virginia 48, Texas 45  “Why chew clock in a shootout trying to establish the run against a team whose DBs couldn’t cover “Louie Louie?” And what the fock is Daje Johnson doing on the sidelines and not on crutches?”

10/13 Oklahoma 63, Texas 21  “Horns halftime motivational speaker Joel Osteen was seen slinking out of the Cotton Bowl late in the second quarter (“I got nothing”), when OU had already amassed more than 400 yards of offense to UT’s single first down. Mrs. John Wayne Gacy had a better half.”

10/20 Texas 56, Baylor 50  “The way the score was going back and forth in the first half, it was like watching a tennis match, but the Horns broke service at 28-28 when Josh Turner picked off Baylor QB Nick Florence, who looks like the ‘70s porn actor his name suggests.”

10/27 Texas 21, Kansas 17  “Quandre Diggs, meanwhile, will sleep tonight. The defensive back, whose brother is Quentin Grabber of the NFL, interfered with a Jayhawk receiver so badly on a 3rd and 9 that he left DNA evidence.”

UPDATE: Ash keeps starting job  “But even after such heroics in the face of what would’ve been a long flight home on Laughing Stock Airways (“plenty of room for the tail between your legs”), MCCoy’s name on the depth chart remains Justin Case.” 

11/3 Texas 31, Texas Tech 22  “Give Coach Brown credit for sticking with Ash after the QB played in Kansas like a senior citizen trying to figure out Skype.”

11/10 Texas 31, Iowa State 7  “Game ball also goes to the fearless drive extender Jaxon Shipley, who caught 8 passes, most in key situations, for 137 yards, That must’ve been some labor for Mama Shipley, giving birth to twins seven years apart.”

11/22 TCU, 20, Texas 13

12/1 Kansas State 42, Texas 24  “McCoy started shakily, tossing a Pick 5.99 to Nigel Malone on his second pass of the game, which had a hang time of 2.7 seconds. Malone, who probably wears a costume on Oct. 30, dropped the leather oval before crossing the goal line…”

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