Most of these nuggets are from the Statesman’s “Game On” column circa 2004-2006
* The Horns gave up 400 yards of offense and trailed 36-2 after two quarters. Mrs. John Wayne Gacy had a better half. The Horns DBs couldn’t cover “Louie Louie.”
* Offensive coordinator Greg Davis is so overcautious he checks his tire pressure every morning before pulling out of the driveway. There are air traffic controllers with more imagination.
He’s so far down the depth chart his helmet has a flashlight.
* Thirty-eight bruising rushes without a fumble! Cedric Benson carried the ball like he was running through a Jamaica tenement with a Bob Marley boxed set under his arm.
* I’ve got a nickname for the 2005 Horns big men Brad Buckman and Jason Klotz: the “Towers of Pallor.” Those guys are so white we’ve seen opponents wear eye black to lessen the glare.
* When secondary coach Duane Akina yelled at officials, we hadn’t seen a Hawaiian go so ballistic since an Oahu plate lunch joint charged extra for gravy on the rice.
* I’ve never played the game, never studied X’s and O’s, so I don’t always understand footballese terms like “weakside linebacker, “bubble screen” and “starting safety Adrian Phillips.”
* Vince Young’s lofts, easily batted down by Sooner defenders, were so costly to the Horns he might have a future as a downtown Austin developer.
* The Horns bounced back like a bag of Beanie Babies.
* Back and forth the score went, like the banjos in “Deliverance” (considered a documentary in West Virginia), but in the end (no pun intended), Texas was Ned Beatty.
* The refs threw so many flags the field looked, at times, like Lance Armstrong’s laundry room.
* If you mentioned the name “Ramonce Taylor” before the game, I would’ve thought you were talking about a member of Destiny’s Child.
* Who plans for a Texas Tech game to run only 3 ½ hours? The Red Raiders take to the air so often they should have stewardesses instead of cheerleaders. The clock stops every time one of Sonny Cumbie’s frozen pigskin dinners hits the ground, geniuses!
* “Gideon’s bobble” is on the nightstand in the minds of every Texas Tech fan.
* I’m not saying the Longhorns’ uniform pants are sheer, but after Saturday’s game Jordan Shipley’s dermatologist told him to come in so he could check that mole on his ass.
* Hitting eight receivers, Vince Young made full use of the weapons of Mack’s construction.
* Case McCoy has the compassion of Ghandi, and also the arm strength.
* At most schools, AD stands for athletic director; at UT it’s arrested development. If our players don’t improve significantly against Texas Tech, we’re going to have a worse time in Lubbock than tourists.
* I like when defensive lineman Larry Dibbles drops back into coverage and DB Michael Griffin flies unabated at the quarterback. The ol’ “Dibbles and Blitz” package.
* Colorado couldn’t play with us. Powder is supposed to be a good thing in Ski Country, but not when your team takes one.
* So what if Kevin Durant is a ball hog. It’s like going to a Santana concert and complaining that Carlos takes all the guitar solos.
* We just weren’t executing, which is a little weird for a team from Texas. If Huntsville was managed like the Longhorns, they’d be giving flu shots on death row.
* Vince Young eventually became the hero (converting a 4th and 18 against Kansas in 2004), but he set up the dramatic conclusion with his mistakes. He saved the child from a burning house, but his space heater caused the fire.
* He tossed more picks than the guitar player for Cheap Trick.
* OU quarterback Jason White isn’t the first player to come out of college with a receding hairline, but he’s one of the first whose baldness wasn’t premature. There are surgeons who spent less time in college.
* You can’t help but feel good for Mack “Daddy” Brown, who has been unjustly vilified by the kind of Longhorn fans who send their cheeseburgers back at McDonald’s.
The girlfriend is driving me crazy. She’s got more needs than the Dallas Cowboys on draft day.
* Fifty-eight yards passing for the entire game. That’s all Chance Mock and Vince Young could put up against Missouri. If UT had started a Texas Exes QB rotation of Janis Joplin and Tommy Tune, with Barbara Jordan protecting the blind side, they would’ve had only 58 fewer yards.
* Not calling Barry Bonds, who claims he’s always had a 9 3/8 hat size, to a hearing on steroids in baseball is like doing an investigation of strippers who marry old guys and not questioning Anna Nicole Smith.
* A Cajun waffle was on the menu this morning when the nation’s top high school quarterback Ryan Perrilloux changed his commitment from Texas to LSU. E tu, Martellus? TE Bennett also flipped, from Horn to Aggie, which is like breaking an engagement with Halle Berry to join the Marines.
* Vince Young made his debut as a Longhorn with the score 45-7 in the fourth quarter, but nobody’s performed mop-up duty so spectacularly since Gene Kelly’s swabbie dance in 1943’s Thousands Cheer. Sunday morning’s headline should’ve read “Oh. My. God!”
* Christmas afternoon is usually like a seven-hour layover before bedtime, having to hang out with genetic coincidences who think you care about your cousin’s recent gall bladder surgery. But this Dec. 25th was different, thanks to a riveting overtime game between Kobe Bryant’s Lakers and the Miami Heat of Shaquille O’Neal. It was the grudge that saved Christmas!
* Coach Brown has said it’s more important for his players to be able to play catch with their kids in fifteen years than to go into a game not fully healed. “Daddy why are you throwing so hard?” You cost us the Baylor game!
* Bunched in the middle as if the Missouri center dropped a Beyonce’ sex tape, the defense couldn’t cover the corners. I’ve seen better pursuit on a “Cops” blooper reel.
* K-State receiver Tyler Lockett had the kind of game against UT (13 catches for 237 yards) that could’ve had ESPN’s pro scout Mel Kiper doing glass etchings with his nipples.
The Horns linebacking corps should take up the organ because the only way they’re going to be playing on Sunday is in church.
* For the way they swarmed the heavily-tattooed TCU quarterback like a rival biker gang, let’s call our defense “Tons of Anarchy.” But the offense was so plodding even Dick Cheney had to wonder if there were really any weapons.
* Losing 73-47 to an up-and-down Kansas team, Texas tested positive for NIT.
* This is a team so lacking in identity it’s envied by the Witness Protection Program.
* Losing at home 44-23 to an Ole Miss team they beat by 35 points last year, these Horns have more wasted talent than the Viper Room at 3 a.m. Last night was Deja BYU all over again. Texas was leading at halftime, but the Rebels scored 27 points in the second half, while the Horns put up a point for every child born to Liza Minnelli and David Gest.